Noxonshaw Off-The-Stage is a spinoff entertainment show to the spinoff entertainment show called the Noxonshaw. The key difference between a normal Noxonshaw episode and an Off-The-Stage episode is that all characters are played by the show's creator, NarayanK, even if they're not his. Often represented as a humorous caricature of the actual character, these characters interact in variously ridiculous ways, frequently involving violence.
Lost Episodes[]
As mentioned in the main Noxonshaw article, the two original Off-The-Stage episodes that introduced the formula were lost when the Legends of Lavanya Etherpad went down. They took place in Ganondorf's Castle and featured intentionally absurd parodies of every character that appeared.
Special Episode[]
This Special Episode was begun on January 20th, 2016 after a long hiatus from the Noxonshaw. It was written to depart from the style of both the Noxonshaw and the normal style of Noxonshaw Off-The-Stage, and provide a backstory for the Noxonshaw series.
Prologue
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
It is stated that the faster you go, the clearer the world becomes.
In a day and age where everything goes fast- or perhaps, too fast- and people are left in the dust in the case that they cannot follow the world's demands, it is a rarity to see a slow life. This was the case with Mark Noxus, a man who belonged to a world where everything was tech-savvy, pricey, and almost uncontrollable.
And uncontrollable it became. Later, a galactic war broke the balance of his world. We don't really give a crap about that so we'll skip out the details on this part.
The war broke out because a new leader promised a more flexible and less demanding life. His weapon was a device that created portals between reality and other figments of what was once considered to be within the imaginations of humanity. Though he promised more freedom, a dark age quickly overshadowed the-
Oh crap, it's getting too detailed.
Basically, humanity got rekt.
Mark Noxus was one of the few not to get rekt. In fact, he lived the life of a bounty hunter who lucked out on nearly every single one of his bounties. As the universe began collapsing, Mark Noxus found him and his ship to be pulled towards one of the portals that the device had made. But this one was different, because portals generated by the device usually did not drag things into it.
Clearly coincidential.
Dragged towards a world that did not belong to him, Mark and his ship tumbled into an exotic but most terrifyingly chaotic world. His world was gone, so he did not really have anything to lose.
Except for his life.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Chapter One: "There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Light crept into Mark's vision as he woke up.
Just several minutes before he got knocked unconscious, the world had twisted itself before him. Everything he achieved in the universe had vanished because of one idiot that decided that collapsing a bunch of interdimensional bridges were logically safe for their part. All of the money he racked up; all of the friends he made-
Actually, he had no friends. Or money.
And now he had absolutely no form of finance. He did have a couple of American bucks at his trusty treasure chest in his ship's lobby, but those were practically artifacts in his world.
I need to get out of here, he thought to himself. The ship itself had lost all of its energy, and a freaking huge tree branch pierced through the ceiling.
He took a closer look at the ceiling. The bounty hunter quickly disregarded his earlier thought; the entire roof had been blown off. There were several times where he had to deal with a crash landing, but no situation ever destroyed the whole darn ceiling.
And how convenient. When he woke up, he found himself on a sofa that once had a functional lever that activated a back massage session. The lever was torn off.
Getting up from the half-broken couch, the blond man trudged over to the catastrophically chaotic room of his ship, which was once a pretty decent lobby room. His fridge was broken, the lights were off, and there were a dozen gigantic tree branches that covered the entire place.
Yet his treasure chest was not touched at the slightest. It sat in place like the stubborn little shit it was.
"That's just dandy."
Mark Noxus traversed through the destroyed lobby room and opened the treasure chest, taking everything he could. He took in the most ancient of American bucks, a picture of some sort, an erotic magazine and a machete. Opening up the erotic magazine, Mark looked through its contents.
The magazine was not actually filled with erotic pictures. Rather, the cover was a disguise for the instruction manual because it let him pay more attention to what his ship was like. It worked, so that was pretty nice.
"In the case of the ship getting wrecked," Mark read out loud, "please scream as loudly as you can and wait for something to bust you out. If no one comes even then, start slamming everything around you. Warning; this can attract the attention of monsters should you crash land in the middle of the wilderness. If you're in the wilderness, scream as silently as you could and slam everything around you silently. Monsters won't hear you that way, but at the same time, people won't be able to hear you.
"Who the hell made this manual?"
Tossing aside the now-useless manual away, Mark looked for an emergency exit. There was supposed to be one in the lobby room, but the tree branches were everything, his arms were spaghetti, and he did not feel like chopping at one of the tree branches with a machete for an eternity.
Looking for an emergency exit rather than making one turned out to be a good idea. He went to the restroom and found a big red button that was labelled "The Second Emergency Exit." Mark pressed the button and waited for a brief second.
The entire floor of the restroom disconnected itself from the ship, causing Mark to plummet down. Startled by how abruptly the emergency exit opened, Mark instinctively grabbed the toilet roll rod and clung tightly. Underneath him lay a bottomless cliff.
Before the toilet roll rod disappointed him by snapping in half, the bounty hunter quickly maneuvered his way out of the ship. As soon as his feet touched solid ground, he stumbled forward and struggled to keep his balance. The bounty hunter took several steps away from his ship and analyzed his surroundings.
An exotic forest surrounded him. There were weird-looking birds that flew around weirdly, dumb-looking mammals that rolled around dumbly, and a couple of oversized bugs skidded across a large river that connected to a massive waterfall.
It was good and all, but didn't all of this basically screw him over? All he had was a machete, a pistol he always carried around, and an ero-magazine that he just abandoned. He knew he should have kept the stupid thing in the case that he met hostile natives or something.
Taking a deep breath, he took a closer look at his surroundings. Across the river lay a town.
Well, there's no choice but to go there, he thought as he marched over, determined in staying alive.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Getting to the town was not much of a problem, much to his surprise.
It was the town itself that was a problem.
Literally no one lived in the town. He just entered a ghost town.
"That's so convenient," he mumbled as a corny dustball flew across the barren road... despite all the structures around him hosting more of a "fantasy" design rather than a western one.
If there were no people, then there was no help. And if there was no help, there was no chance of survival, especially in a weird place like the one he just arrived in. So far, looking around with a close look seemed to have worked a lot, so he did it again in hopes of finding something. Sure enough, he did find something.
A fancy-as-balls academy stood closely to the abandoned town.
"Why is that thing-"
Before Mark was able to finish his internal question, something moved behind him. The man whirled around, his eyes catching the first living entity that he met face-to-face in the strange world.
A bad drawing of Sonic the Hedgehog stood in front of him.
"What is this?" Mark asked out loud, his voice much higher than before. In fact, his voice gained a hostile tone without him even noticing it. The drawing took several steps towards him, waddling over like the scariest piece of shit he had ever seen in his life, as it said,
"m nmes sanic. sanic le hegehog!1!"
"..."
"wuts wyt le :( faec?"
Mark blinked.
"cum on tep ut op."
"Wha-"
"CUM ON TEP UT OP!"
At that instant, sanic rushed past him like the blue blur himself, knocking aside Mark Noxus at Mach 12. The bounty hunter screamed like a girl as he crashed into one of the structures.
Which turned out to be made of cardboard.
"FREAKING WHY?!" Mark yelled as he skidded across the ground with pieces of cardboard following him. Taking out his gun, the blond man got up and lifted his weapon.
Nothing was present. Sanic was too fast. His arms were spaghetti, Sanic was too fast, the town he went to had nothing in it, and his ship was broken. It was as if God blessed him with death like the asshole he was.
Silence settled-
-only to be broken by Sanic a second later.
"URE 2 SLOW," sanic screamed like an eldritch horror (to Mark, at least) as he zoomed straight up to the bounty hunter. Holding the gun with one hand, Mark pointed it at sanic.
Sanic was apparently good at martial arts. Maintaining its form without moving a single "limb," sanic performed a three-hundred sixty degree kick by flipping its entire body, kicking Mark's gun into the skies.
"THAT'S NOT MARTIAL ARTS!!!"
Sanic was apparently good at kick-boxing.
"THAT'S NOT KICK-BOXING EITHER, YOU FOOL!!!"
Sanic was just good at everything.
And he was so fast, as well! Too fast, to be more accurate. As soon as sanic flipkicked, he fell on his head and started screaming out a distorted version of Green Hill Zone. It eventually rolled away to the river so quickly, it rolled through water and crashed into Mark's ship.
Mark remained frozen for about thirty minutes.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The bounty hunter eventually went over to the fancy academy sitting in the middle of nowhere. There were people inside it! The indiscernable sound of people talking resonated from the open grounds of the place. Mark Noxus sighed as he walked up to the gate.
The gate was closed.
I'll just cross over it, he thought, and as soon as he put a hand on the gate, a magic barrier broke his dreams.
What is life?
A few seconds later, a lazily dressed student danced his way up to the other side of the gate as he stopped with a pelvis thrust. Boasting a pretty decent look, black hair, and sweatpants that made Mark want to kill himself, the boy asked as he continued thrusting his limbs around,
"Who might you be, stranger? I'm da GAY-TEE KEEPER."
"...I need help."
"Well, of course you need help! You look like you're out of your rhythm~, if you catch my driftagonusmocanis!"
Mark crossed his arms as the boy rambled on,
"I'm the king of the dance floor! And Lily Brightendale's future spouse- in my dreams, at least. My name is D-i-s-c-o Bael, and you better remember it! I'm feeling dandy-ay-okay-like-a-musical-jay-like-a-mockingjay, if you know what I mean!"
The bounty hunter raised an eyebrow. Disco Bael accepted it as a challenge and raised his own even higher than Mark's.
"So... Are you letting me in?" Mark asked.
"Nuh-uh," Disco Bael said as he thrusted his neck back and forth to some old disco music blaring out of who knew where? "At least, not at the moment? Cause we're about to get FUNKAY LIKE MY AUNTIE, YEAAAAAAAAAAAH?"
Mark slowly nodded, wondering if there was a doctor in the academy.
"So, Nox," the dancing student continued, "if you want to get through this GAY-TEE, then you're gonna have to rile yourself up!"
"...Buuuuuuuuuut what if I really don't want to?"
Disco Bael gasped like Marilyn Monroe as he lifted a hand by his open mouth. He then waved with his hand a couple of times as he returned to dancing.
"You have no choice, Nox! If you want to get through, you must accept my challenge! My challenge; what is it, you may ask? Fear not, scruffy! Ima show you it to you reaaaaaaaaaaaaal soon!"
Slamming a foot on the ground, Mark suddenly found the ground beneath him to rip open, letting him fall onto a dance floor that slowly ascended in front of the gate.
"If you wanna get in, you gotta play real HARDCORE! And by HARDCORE, I mean by Athalia's~ rules!"
Disco Bael snapped his fingers as a dance floor emerged on his side as well. Suddenly, the sun turned into a rave light, and all the creatures back at the wilderness started partying hard. The waterfall started breakdancing, and the ground was moving to his rhythm. The trees sang, the birds were asking what the hell was going on, and Mark took a brief moment to look at all of this before he turned to Bael with a frightened expression.
"Are you ready..."
And all of a sudden, Disco Bael ripped off his clothes as he presented his magnificence to the world. All he wore was an underwear designed after a disco ball, sunglasses, and dance shoes that- Mark had to admit- were pretty classy.
The dance shoes were the only classy thing about the freakshow in front of him, though.
"FOR A DANCE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTLE?!"
"No."
"...Oh."
And all of a sudden, everything returned back to normal. The dance floors descended, the waterfall returned back to normal again, and Disco Bael- who somehow got his clothes back on- turned away from Mark and started walking.
"I understand..."
Right as Mark thought the boy had a bit of sanity in him, Disco Bael turned around, ripping his clothes off again as everything turned into a rave hell once more.
"...IS WHAT YOU THOUGHT I'D SAY?! LEZZZZ GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, BROTHA! MMMM, MMMMM, MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! I LOVE THE SMELL OF DANCE IN THE MORNIN'!"
Right before Mark believed his end had come, someone smacked the back of Disco Bael's head, returning everything back to normal (again). A white-haired, but young-looking woman dressed with an adequately decent clothing choice stood behind Disco Bael, turning to Mark with both an apologetic and curious look.
The bounty hunter prayed that she would not pull off some sort of other kind of rave party on him. Much to his relief, she seemed a bit sane.
"Do you happen to be lost?" The woman, who was also the principal of the school, asked carefully.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Chapter Two: "The Beginning of the Beginning of the Beginning of Mark's Pain"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The academy's name was "Athalia," and Mark did not like one bit of it.
Whoever the heck decided to appoint Disco Bael as a gatekeeper was stupid. Whoever the heck decided to put up an academy in the middle of the wilderness was stupid. Whoever the heck decided to leave whatever the heck sanic was to his natural habitat was stupid.
And even now, Mark Noxus believed that those things were stupid. Except for the second one. Maria Cross, the principal of Athalia, was not exactly stupid, but her idea did seem kind of stupid.
Which basically meant that he believed she was stupid.
This is so freaking stupid, Mark Noxus thought as he rubbed his head out in an attempt to clear his own mind.
Sitting at her office, the bounty hunter remained seated in front of Maria's wide desk. The white-haired woman looked out of a small window that allowed her to view Athalia's school grounds.
"I am sorry if you were given the wrong impression of our academy," she began.
And holy hell, Mark was sure that the academy gave off just the right impression. The worst kind, that was. After all, he literally encountered a buster that transformed the entire world to a dance floor.
"Athalia is an academy for the gifted. We teach students through our own means, and we help them overcome inabilities that hold them back from controlling their own power. Bael is one of the less trained students, and as such, we keep a good eye on him... most of the time.
"We set the academy up here due to how we are able to isolate our students from society during the time being of their education. This means that we have a wider ground we can oftentimes deal with magic or ability-related topics. Some of the hostile creatures here are unable to enter our school grounds, while all the other creatures have little to no interest with us.
"To summarize my purpose of creating this school: this place is meant to be a shelter for those who contain special powers."
Mark nodded. "Okay, that's great and all, but is there a town nearby-"
At that moment, the door slammed open. Mark turned around and found some sort of white-haired guy with a large sword hoisted over his back. He looked like the edgiest thing alive.
"Hello, Deathedge," Maria greeted to the guy with the word "edge" in his name. "What business do you have here?"
"Ms. Cross," Deathedge spoke in a surprisingly normal tone. "I was just wondering if I could switch my Study Hall class to a Math class."
"Oh? That's a strange request. What changed your mind all of a sudden?"
Deathedge suddenly jerked his head away from Maria as he clutched his arm like the edgy person Mark imagined him to be as he muttered out loud, "It's... not important."
Well, fuck, that was edgy.
"Fuck, that was edgy," Deathedge himself stated, and Maria could not agree any more.
"I will see to it that your request to change courses will be set, Deathedge."
"Thank you, Ms. Cross. But my name is actually Cain-"
Some unknown force pushed Deathedge out and slammed the door at his face. Maria turned to Mark Noxus as she asked, "Is there something you wanted to ask?"
"...Is there a town nearby?"
"Yes! But... it's been quite a while since anyone went there."
"...What do you mean?"
At this, Maria's face darkened. She turned to the window as she watched a student known as Ryuu Yamauchi chase after Disco Bael, who carried a figurine of some Japanese thing she did not know of. The dark-haired otaku had plasma powers, and she hoped that he did not blow up the entire garden again.
"The town... is a lot different than what it used to be. Some people call it a systematic mess, others call it an existence that should be put to rest. We call it...
"...Hell."
...
...
...
The bounty hunter genuinely wondered if he was able to encounter a signpost that said "This way to Hell!"
"Lucifer, the King of Hell, took over the town known as Oasari. He increased taxes, decreased income for all jobs, and made monuments of himself all over the place. He and his men made sure that his laws overruled the once balanced laws of Oasari."
"Quick question; why is the King of Hell being a mean ass instead of being a destructive being of fear and death?"
"Because he is Lucifer. That is all."
Mark scratched his head. So the Devil was...?
"Lucifer also shows favoritism to demons, as he is a demon himself. Bael is a demon who left Lucifer's cause after realizing the joys of life, and since then, Lucifer's view on the 'perfect demon' has changed drastically. He claims that disco is dead and all other kinds of strange things."
Okay. So the Devil was a Donald Trump motherfucker who had no idea how to run a-
Wait. That sounded way too familiar.
"Until the day we, the people of Oasari, could overthrow Lucifer," Maria concluded, "we wait in silence as we train to become stronger together."
Mark sighed. So the town was not a good place to go to. And he did find Maria to be sane enough to believe in. The only problem that was left was whether he should stay in the insane academy or go to a town that was insane in a different way.
"How big is the town, anyway?" Mark asked out of curiosity.
"It covers a good portion of the continent, Lavanya."
"...Aaaaaaaaand how big would a good portion be?"
"It would be... at least the size of fifty metropolises. Why?"
"Wouldn't that just be a country, then?"
At this, Maria seemed confused. "Oasari is just a massively large town, Mr. Noxus."
"Yeah, so isn't that basically a freaking country?!"
"No, Mr. Noxus, it's just an enormously large town."
What the f-
Taking a deep breath, Mark Noxus shut his mouth. He knew that he could not question the woman's logic if he wanted to live a little longer. Breaking the slimmest chance of survival did not sound like a good idea.
"Is there anything I can do, then?"
A thoughtful look washed over Maria's once conflicted expression. She analyzed the bounty hunter, as if to capture every single detail inside his mind.
"Perhaps I can make you a student?"
"Ma'am, I am a twenty-six year old man who got a license for a plentifully dangerous job."
"We have thousand-year-old angels here, though!"
At that, Mark lost every single remark he could have used for a decent argument.
"...Are there at least, like," Mark blurted out, "rooms for faculty or something?"
"Hmm..."
Maria put up yet another thoughtful look before she bumped a fist against an open palm.
"Perhaps I can make you an English teacher!"
Kill me.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
A long sigh came out of Mark as he emerged from Maria's office.
After an hour of surviving in the wild, Mark Noxus somehow got a new job- a job as an English teacher, to boot. It boggled his mind that he would be degraded from a bounty hunter to an English teacher in a mere matter of a single hour.
I'm going to hate this job, he thought as he marched out of the faculty building with a stack of papers in his hands.
As he walked towards the school building itself, he noticed that the sun had already begun to set. A brilliant orange covered the world, and the sun- which was not a rave ball- shone brightly as any other sun would.
"Just where did life go wrong, anyway?" Mark wondered out loud as he walked into the main school building.
Unbeknownst to him, a student who sat at the roof of the building watched him enter with a curious and amused look. She carried a small grin and a particularly large trumpet.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Chapter Three: "Car Men"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Lily Brightendale enjoyed being a student.
As an angel, some questioned her presence in the academy. Why was she there instead of Heaven? Why bother going all the way to a mortal world when her home was an immortal safehaven for angels?
Well, she got kicked out of it by Michael, one of the archangels in Heaven, of course!
Though she did not live the greatest of lives, she still intended on staying away from such heavy topics. She was not a sorceror of socialization, but she still tried to be nice to people around her. It felt natural to treat others kindly, though she was not afraid to protect herself when the time called for it.
Such was the case when Disco Bael walked right up to her and flexed his right arm to the beat of some disco song.
"Ey, beh-beh," Bael proudly announced to her, "I actually upgraded my disco groove. Check it out, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Lily continued walking to the school building. It was going to be a good day. She knew it was going to-
"EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-"
The angel dropped her books and punched Bael across the face, picking up her books shortly afterward. She then continued walking to the school building, leaving Disco Bael on the ground.
Ryuu walked over to him and punched Bael's stomach, causing the disco groovist to spit out the Miku figurine he had accidentally eaten the other day. The otaku sighed in relief as he walked away.
Away from school, and to his dormitory.
"OH SHIT, NOW'S NOT THE TIME FOR THAT!" Ryuu screamed as he threw the figurine to some corner he would visit later as he ran off to the school building.
Disco Bael lay still on the ground, alone. Darkness, his old friend, greeted him as he remained still.
But not really. He never learned his lesson. He was Disco Bael, not some demon that wanted to gain enough power to destroy the girl he loved with a magic sword that got countered hard by another magic sword.
"D-iscoooooooooooo FRISCO!" Bael yelled as he twirled his body around and slid his way towards the school building. "LILY! LILYPAD! ETHERPAD! WAIT UP!"
Clusters of students continued to enter the school building.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Mark Noxus sat in the English classroom.
"So I'm really doing this, huh," the man spoke lifelessly to himself. "Ha ha. This is so exciting. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I am excited. Yes... I am excited to die."
An hour later, the students he feared so much entered the classroom one-by-one. The first one to pop up was a shy Nephilim.
"H-Hello," Zivon Borshenk stuttered as he looked around the classroom. "You are the English teacher... right?"
"If I wasn't, I'd probably be a dead man right now."
"...O-Okay, then. Is there a seating... chart...?"
"No. Pick whatever you want."
"Rea...lly?"
"Yes. Pick whatever you want."
"Okay then!"
Holding his books closely to himself, Zivon scurried over to the corner of the room. It was a bit obvious, considering the profile he read on Zivon the previous night, but he still found it strange to find such a shy child. If only he was a human being...
Another interesting student popped up. A short-red-haired boy with lazily prepared clothes walked into the classroom, lifting a hand to greet the teacher.
Only to bump against the door frame and crash against the floor. Mark remembered the guy from his profile analysis session he pulled off the night before.
"T-This is the-"
"Yes, this is the English classroom," Mark told Caleb Waterfront, who went by the nickname 'Crash.'
"Okay, just wondering. Uhh... Is there a seating ch-"
"No. Pick whatever you want."
"Awesome! You're the best, teach."
Mark Noxus decided that he could not handle greeting students while simply waiting for them. He got up and turned to the fridge he placed in his classroom. Thankfully, he was able to borrow some stuff from the school's faculty facilities.
The bounty hunter took out ingredients for chocolate pudding.
As he prepared to make chocolate pudding, a pink-haired girl came in with a somewhat heavenly presence. Mark also remembered her, and it was hard not to due to her above-average recognition from the school.
"This is the-"
"-English classroom," Mark finished for Lily Brightendale. "You can sit anywhere you want."
"...Um," Lily said as she eyed the ingredients laid out on Mark's table. "Sir? What exactly are you-"
"I'm making chocolate pudding."
"But... But it's 8 in the morning, sir. Why are you making chocolate pudding?"
"I lost control of my life."
Lily decided to leave Mark to his despair, as he seemed like he really was not in the mood to talk.
A few seconds later, another girl popped in. The instant moment he saw a trumpet on her back, he looked back down.
Here came one of the students he really felt anxious about.
"Well, I guess this is the-"
"-English classroom."
"And I get to sit wherever I want?"
"Yes. You can sit wherever you want."
"Whatcha making over there?"
Mark stopped stirring his chocolate pudding for a brief moment to think what the actual fuck he was doing in a school. He then continued to stir the pudding as he muttered, "I'm making chocolate pudding."
"...In school? Whoa. It's 8 in the morning, though. Isn't that a bit tedious?"
"I lost control of my life."
Carmen Calandra whistled as she commented, "I guess you also lost control of your self-confidence?"
"I lost control of my self-confidence."
"Aaaaand you lost control of your future?"
"I lost control of my future."
The trumpet player put a hand by her chin, making a thoughtful look as she added in, "Well, you don't actually look bad-bad. Try not to make this a boring class for Lily, though. Deal?"
"I don't make deals. I fulfill them."
"Sounds like a deal, then!"
Mark Noxus gave little to no shits about how Carmen hummed her way to sit next to Lily Brightendale. He presumed that she was a huge BFF, or perhaps something a bit more than that.
Or maybe he was just overthinking things and had no idea what to be aware of.
Finally, one last student entered the classroom. This student was interesting in that Mark did not see him in the profile list. The student wore skin, had one side of his head blown off, no shirt, and ragged pants. He wore red skin on one side and dark skin for the other, and his eyes glowed like J. J. Abrams' lens flares.
"What's your name?" Mark asked as he stirred chocolate pudding.
"Apophis, sir," Apophis bluntly responded, catching the attention of every single student in the room.
"You're a student?"
"I think so."
"What the 'hell', man."
"Hey, I didn't sign up for this shit."
Mark looked up from his chocolate pudding and gave Apophis a hard look.
"If I recall correctly," the bounty hunter stated, "you're one of Lucifer's men. Maria mentioned you."
"Yeah," Apophis confirmed the statement wholeheartedly. "I am."
"You also killed millions of people."
"Sort of."
"And you're in a school."
"Mm hmmm."
"That is training students to fight you."
"..."
"..."
...
...
...
...
...
...
Lily's eyes were practically as round as they could be. She seemed to recognize Apophis, but Apophis did not recognize her because he did not give a crap about her as much as he normally would. In fact, everyone seemed to recognize Apophis.
"This is racist," Apophis argued. "You're condemning me for killing people in the past."
"Well, no shit we'll condemn you," Mark bluntly pointed out, disregarding the fact that he was an English teacher. "Isn't it kind of the point that I'm supposed to stop you from being a student."
All of a sudden, the telecom of the school rang.
"Mr. Noxus. If you are hearing this, you may or may not have met Mr. Apophis. He is a student that has enrolled as a double agent working against Hell, and does not seem to be lying at all. Please let him in as soon as you see him."
Mark Noxus blinked.
Of course.
Of course Apophis, an Egyptian god of death, was a freaking student that he was going to teach English to.
"You can sit wherever you want," Mark muttered after a long moment of silence.
"REALLY?! AW, SWEET! GEE WIZ, THANKS, BRUH."
Apophis ended up sitting right next to Lily Brightendale. Carmen gave him a death glare that Mark refused to see, but Apophis seemed like he was used to get death-glared at.
That was nice.
Right before he finished his chocolate pudding, the telecom rang again.
"Also, Mr. Noxus, there will be a transfer student who has just arrived at the school grounds. Please welcome him with open arms."
Now who would it be? Mark wondered. Will it be the Egyptian god of life? Will it be something entirely different?
His question was answered promptly as the door to his classroom opened yet again. Mark turned to the door.
But truthfully, he turned to the door by pure instinct. For it was not simply opened.
It was slammed open.
And before him was the most frightening student of all.
Oh, HELL no. Nononononononononononononononono. This is not happening. Lord have mercy on me. Please. PLEASE.
The student spun its way in.
OH NO...
Mark looked down as it continued spinning in.
WHY.
As it spun, the student slowly ascended on its own. It simply spun in the air.
Apophis picked his desk up and threw it on some unlucky student on the other side of the room, falling on his knees as he threw his hands up in the air. He bowed to it as he yelled,
"IT HATH ARRIVED! IT HATH ARRIVED!
"THE TOTEM HAS ARRIVED!"
Mark wondered how the hell the Totem from Inception ended up floating right in front of him, but it did. As it continued to spin, Totem flew towards the desk in front of Zivon, startling the poor Nephilim as it landed perfectly. It had no need for words; words were for mortals.
At that moment, Mark Noxus knew that his job was more than just hell.
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