Noxonshaw S1E1: The Welcoming Trumpet

Location: Ganondorf's Castle

Hosts: Mark Noxus, Ganondorf, Agent Smith, Megatron

Featured Guest: Carmen Calandra

Other Appearances: Optimus Prime

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Mark Noxus, leader of the Ardent Adventurers, simply sat on a sofa with a blank look. Ganondorf, who sat just across him, asked the cowboy,

"Why so constipated?"

The cowboy shook his head absent-mindedly, giving the middle finger to the King of Evil as he mumbled,

"No, there's nothing wrong with you, I just... I just couldn't get my eyes off of our fourth host in the show."

The Gerudo King shrugged.

"Megatron's a pretty chill guy. Well, if you take out ninety-nine percent of his personality, he's chill. He's obsessed with cubes and Matrixes these days."

The Ardent Adventurer looked slightly above the Roleplayer Guild screen. "We got... thirty seconds left."

The King of Evil nodded.

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"...Do you like women?"

Mark raised an eyebrow at Ganondorf, who gave him an obviously bored look. The cowboy pointed at himself, mouthing "Me?" at the King of Evil. The Gerudo nodded as if Mark was naturally retarded.

Noxus nodded with a grin, saying, "Of course. I haven't met my 'dream girl,' though."

Suddenly, the lights in the room were turned on, revealing the two men in... Ganon's Castle!

"Welcome, welcome, welcome," Ganondorf said, clapping his hands together. "And you thought you'd never see me again for one whole week."

The King of Evil crossed his legs, explaining to the invisible audience,

"Now, we're not going to be staying here. In each episode, we will constantly change locations because destruction looms every second that ticks by in this show. Because my castle's totally going to be destroyed within a single episode of this show, right?"

The Gerudo King passed over the speaking duty to Mark Noxus, who looked around before stating,

"Now, we're supposed to have six hosts, but all of them seem to be... missing. So, without further adue, we will-"

Suddenly, a man crashed in between the two hosts, causing both of them to scream like women who just breathed in helium. He had fallen while sitting on a wooden chair that somehow did not break when it collided against the castle. It even left a hole at the ceiling.

A man with sunglasses, a fashionable suit, and a big fat frown simply commented,

"The Noxonshaw will introduce interviews, random battles, and whatever we want in it."

Mark Noxus blinked, readjusting his cowboy hat as he motioned over to the sunglasses-wearing man with the suit, telling the audience,

"Ladies and gentlemen: please say hello to Agent Smith. He will be one of your hosts."

A bunch of Agents cheered, for they praised their creator with all of their digital hearts. Agent Smith swiftly took out a white card, staring at it before simply calling out,

"Carmen Calandra."

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"...Say what?" Mark asked the Agent as Ganondorf ate a cheese burger.

"Carmen Calandra. Carmen Calandra will now proceed to blip into existence for our show."

Everyone sat still in anticipation. Ganondorf stared at an empty chair sitting next to them, still eating his burger.

...That was not there before, he thought, though he prioritized eating his cheese burger over figuring out the origins of the chair.

Carmen would soon blip onto the chair... like a feather. Hopefully. The last thing Ganon needed was another person crashing through the roof and landing on a chair.

Carmen soon blipped onto the chair. Not like a feather. But also not like someone crashing through the roof. She blipped onto the chair in the most fashionable way it was possible to blip onto a chair.

Satisfied with her entrance, she looked around. It was still Ganondorf's castle, but there were a few new faces. Instantly recognized Agent Smith from the Matrix universe because of the fourth wall, Carmen simply nodded at him with a tilt of the head and a curious smile. She saw another man in a cowboy hat who she did not recognize, but she also saw Ganondorf, whom she addressed.

"Ganondorf, darling...no innocent audience members to kill? I'm hurt," she said, looking hurt in the most Hollywood diva-esque way possible. "Surely you know by now that that's the price of entry."

The audience laughed, though some of them booed Ganondorf. One of the Stalfos yelled, "Lord Ganondorf? How come she gets to kill us while we can't kill her?"

"Yeah, I mean like... it hurts. Getting killed, that is. Just kidding, I died like one-thousand f--king times."

The King of Evil shot two extremely slow orbs of dark energy at the two Stalfos, wanting to quickly deal with them using his... slow magic. The Stalfos stared at the incoming magic.

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They blew up. The audience clapped in polite applause.

Ganondorf sighed, shaking his head at the Skylark.

"I'll just reserve room for you to... blast my audience apart."

Mark chuckled, while Agent Smith suddenly had a golden card in his hands. "We will immediately begin with asking questions," the Agent said, looking up at Carmen with an extremely monotone voice. "Ms. Calandra, please refrain from lying at all times during this interview we are about to perform."

Smith looked down at the card, causing the excited crowd to quiet down. The Agent looked up from the card, asking the student,

"What is your perception upon the concept of war, and who do you think best specializes it?"

Carmen addressed the King of Evil once more. "Oh, that would be lovely."

Before she could go on, Agent Smith began talking. Carmen was quickly bored.

"Oh Ganondorf, could someone else read the questions? Agent Smith is a simply wonderful human being in every way but isn't the most...interesting to listen to. Perhaps this...cowboy? Who is that anyway?"

She sat. She pondered.

"I guess I'll answer this one, though."

She sat some more. She pondered some more.

"War is...something that people do to settle disputes. It is sometimes necessary, and sometimes not. I should imagine those who are capable of fighting would be the most suitable to partake in the activity," she opined. "Guns certainly seem to work well," she added.

Agent Smith simply stared at his card for a few seconds.

He took off his sunglasses, looking up at the Skylark as he said with his monotone voice,

"Ms. Calandra, I've meant what kind of species is best at war."

Ganondorf and Mark simply thought to themselves,

You didn't say that, you vague a-shole.

Carmen sighed.

If there was any consolation about her participation on these shows (besides getting to kill Stalfos with ludicrous Halo weapons), it was her ability to know everything ever via the universe's oddly weak fourth wall.

"Do you know what a Pokemon type chart is, Mr. Smith?" she asked.

"It's like that. Certain species are the best at war against certain other species, but overall...there can be no clear answer."

The Agent nodded, acknowledging her opinion. He decided to be social with the audience, simply stating,

"I think humans are the most destructive among all things."

All of the Smiths laughed like crazy, while the Stalfos and Iron Knuckles laughed in both confusion and a state of "wtf" in their minds. Ganondorf glanced at Mark, who looked back at him.

Noxus looked between Ganondorf and Agent Smith, both who were staring directly at him. The cowboy raised his hands in confused submittance, blurting out, "It ain't my fault to have billions of jacka-ses worse than me, you know!"

As Agent Smith began to question on whether Mark took the red pill or blue pill, which was what Morpheus should have done so much earlier, Ganondorf explained to Carmen,

"That cowboy's Mark Noxus. Galactic bounty hunter. He catches criminals and accidentally got involved with a World War that scaled among two worlds. He ended up becoming a hero for ending the war without killing any human being- except for one-, though I honestly don't give a flying sh-t because I'm Ganondorf."

With Mark Noxus breathing heavily for air, Agent Smith put away his pills before taking out another card.

Mark Noxus quickly snatched the golden card out of the Agent's hands, giving the sunglasses-wearing man a death glare.

"For your information, I never eat pills," the Ardent Adventurer said.

Agent Smith's face froze. He then began to mull over what Mark just said, rambling on about how one pill should have been chosen. Mark, on the other hand, stared at the next question before looking up at Carmen with a bright smile.

"So, anyway! I heard you like to use that trumpet of your's for some snazzy music. Y'mind telling me in how many concerts you've been at, or if you haven't been at one yet, tell me if you're planning in participating in one?"

Carmen observed the three hosts with amusement. This was more interesting than having just one host, especially since they apparently all hated each other. Or something.

She was also thankful that the cowboy she now knew as Mark Noxus asked the next question and not Agent Smith.

"I've been to quite a lot of concerts," she responded. "I had to. Otherwise I wouldn't learn any human musics upon my arrival on Earth."

She looked at the hosts.

"...yes, 'musics' is a real word."

She moved on.

"I've been to countless concerts all over the world, assimilating human sounds into my palette. But, except for a single party, I haven't participated in any. I would certainly love the opportunity, though."

The cowboy widened his eyes, nodding at Ganondorf to show that she was more interesting than him.

Ganondorf wondered why everyone had to hate each other. Then he realized he was the cause of why everyone hated each other. So he didn't give a sh-t and ate his cheese burger.

Mark Noxus, his interest piqued by Carmen's mention of "musics" and "concerts," said to the Skylark, "Oh, so you come from a different world aside from Earth... Did you ever assimilate the sounds of... y'know, alien-y stuff? Like... those weird Martian dudes or maybe something more sentinel?"

"Ugh, please," Carmen muttered in response to Mark's question. "I don't have time for aliens, you know. I was born from the stars and was sent here, and here I've remained. It's quite nice, you know."

Noxus nodded. Of course, not everyone was born from animals. Still, her origins pleasantly surprised him. With a warm grin, he honestly said to Carmen as he bluntly took a card from Agent Smith's suit,

"Well, you certainly don't look like any alien. You look like any kind of beautiful lass."

Mark took out a brown card, which he instantly threw away before taking out another golden card.

"Okay, so when-"

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly, the entire roof of the castle was blown off, with a bunch of Michael Bay explosions destroying the walls that once supported it. More explosions, explosions, and even more explosions appeared around the castle, causing one of the Stalfos to look up at the skies.

He screamed unnecessarily, quoting Transformers 4,

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!"

A metallic laugh growled across all of Hylia as the mechanical beast landed behind the hosts and Carmen.

"I am," the giant robot said, changing his rocket launcher into a deadly looking blade, "Megatron."

The hosts rolled their eyes as Megatron cut down the rest of the roof. The leader of the Decepticons roared, pleasantly enjoying causing destruction in wherever he walked... literally. Megatron snapped his spiky fingers, causing a giant, metallic throne to "poof" out of nowhere, before he sat on it comfortably. Ganondorf felt like his throne had just been usurped without even allowing him to do something to prevent his castle's destruction.

Megatron leaned over to Mark Noxus, his red eyes staring directly into the cowboy's, as he growled, "I'll ask the next question."

The cowboy simply threw the card straight toward Megatron, who caught it with his fingers. The leader of the Decepticons, who was the fourth host of the Noxonshaw, looked at the golden card. The inky-dinky words on it weren't helping him...

Meanwhile, Mark Noxus asked Ganondorf, "Was Megatron supposed to come out today?"

"Everyone was," the King of Evil grumbled, still sulking over his loss. He wished Megatron just shoved the Cube up his own a-s before flying into Cybertron.

"Impudent creature that sits before me," Megatron addressed Carmen as kindly as he could, "tell me... do you have the Cube?"

Ganondorf cried, Mark Noxus laughed, and Agent Smith rubbed his head due to how even he realized how stupid of a question that was.

Carmen blinked.

Literally nothing could surprise her in Ganon's castle anymore. When Michael Bay arrived with his team of CGI explosion engineers, she didn't flinch. Only blinked. When Megatron showed up, she also didn't flinch, only chuckled a little at the Stalfos' spot-on Transformers 4 reference, delivered most excellently. She'd have to remember to kill him later.

The now four hosts continued their humorous banter and conversation, before Megatron himself asked the next question.

Carmen sighed and nearly facepalmed.

"Megatron," she said, addressing the giant evil robot Transformer movie cash cow villain that sat before her. "Old boy."

She paused to conjure up her words carefully.

"Not even Michael Bay could create a plot hole so large that would allow me of all people to have your Cube," she said, still amused.

Megatron's eyebrows twitched erratically at her answer. He leaned closer to Carmen, growling,

"There is no such Michael Bay who would prevent me, the leader of the Decepticons, from having the Cube. Where is it...?"

Ganondorf genuinely wanted to cry.

Carmen titled her head at the Decepticon leader.

"Have you even watched the Transformers movies?" she asked simply.

"I'm sure a human boy who presents no real merit to the plot has it," she stated. "Perhaps you should try starting there."

Megatron suddenly bolted up from his throne, cutting it down with his blade. The throne blew up, explosions shooting out of every inch and corner of it.

Mark Noxus fell on the floor because he laughed too much. He quickly sat back up to look polite. Meanwhile, Ganondorf simply had his face planted into his hands, and Agent Smith was actually cleaning his sunglasses.

"No," the Decepticon leader roared. "You LIE!!!! I need the Cube RIGHT NOW!!!"

Megatron fired his gun at his throne, causing a magnificent explosion to occur. This Michael Bay explosion looked surprisingly awesome, though nearly all explosions looked the same, so no one gave a living f--k about it. The Decepticon leader pointed at the hosts- and Carmen- as he roared,

"All of you flies are all the SAME!!! GIBE ME THE CUBE!!! NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

Mark Noxus blinked, genuinely surprised that the fourth host of the show would point a gun at the other hosts in the first episode. Ganondorf simply sat, still demotivated by how stupid Megatron was in the show, and Agent Smith stood up from his chair, prepared to make any necessary actions to prevent the destruction of his audience, along with their guest.

Suddenly, due to the "Main Character" syndrome in Transformers, Optimus Prime came out of nowhere. In fact, an explosion randomly occured in the air, sending Prime out of it as if it were an interdimensional portal. An unnecessary slow-motion sequence began, with Prime slowly taking out his gun, pointing it directly at Megatron.

Time turned back to normal, and Megatron was shot by three bullets of mighty lead. Explosions shot out of his chest, and Megatron landed on his decimated throne, causing another explosion to ooze out of his a-s. The Decepticon leader's eyes glowed as he roared,

"PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Just when Megatron stood up, Optimus Prime began to pump out more bullets of mighty lead, causing more explosions to erupt from Megatron. But Prime himself was also exploding because he was in a Michael Bay movie. Even though no one was clearly shooting him.

Ganondorf excused himself, proceeding to sit in the audience for awhile.

Agent Smith was recording the fight.

Mark Noxus was watching Agent Smith recording the fight, though he was sort of left responsible to make sure their guest did not blow up... because they were technically in a Michael Bay movie.

Optimus Prime shouted,

"Megatron! In the end, one must stand, and one must fall!"

"YOU SAID THAT FIVE BILLION TIMES IN THE ANIMATED SERIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And thus, Optimus Prime deemed it necessary to take out his blade. With a mighty roar, Prime stabbed Megatron before knocking both of them off of the castle with one heck of an explosion erupting behind them. The two Transformers continuously fought each other as they fell down, flying off of the castle.

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...Mark Noxus sat back down, simply staring at the golden card in his hand.

"...You, like, wanna answer one more question?" The cowboy asked Carmen. "Or do you wanna leave or somethin'?"

Carmen just sat there, amused at the entire explosion fest that had just occurred. She had, of course, not taken any damage whatsoever, since she was Transformers: Noxonshaw's equivalent of Megan Fox. Since she was also Carmen, her clothes also didn't get damaged at all. That wouldn't be right.

She looked up at the cowboy, who, along with Agent Smith, had recovered nicely from the shouty robot explodey fight thing. "Seriously," she began. "How does something explode that many times?"

Listening to his question, she responded. "I've got time. What's your question? As long as it involves 100% less Transformers."

Mark Noxus looked at the golden card again before putting it away. The cowboy made himself feel a bit more comfortable before asking her,

"You aren't interested in romance, aren't you?"

Agent Smith was watching what he recorded.

Carmen perked up at Mark's latest question. "It's not something I pursue, if that's what you're asking," she said. She pondered for a moment. "I've never really thought about it, now that I think of it. I was born from the stars, as you know. I tend to think about other things than humans do." Despite her answer, it was obvious that she was quite intrigued by the question.

Mark Noxus nodded, knowing what she meant. After all, it was easy to overlook love when whole new adventures lived within unseen places and ideas. Still, he felt satisfied with the answer he receive. The cowboy smirked, glancing at the Agent staring into his own phone's screen, before looking back at Carmen.

That's a big fat relief, right there.

He told Carmen, "You should check it out in more detail, sometime. After all, love is what most humans look forward to accomplishing. Maybe you can find your greatest music within it."

Carmen was silent.

She was thinking.

Well, this is a problem. He's right.

She responded with a rare return question.

"Why do you suppose most humans look forward to accomplishing it?" she asked the cowboy, hoping he himself was human.

The cowboy looked up at the skies. Now that the recording had technically ended with Megatron and Optimus Prime going ham, he decided to be completely honest with himself. Mark let out a relaxed breath, thinking of a good answer- a good explanation that could give her a gist of why humans wanted to accomplish such a simply thing known as "love."

"Humans... they see love in many ways. But penultimately, there's a primary reason connected to all of these 'ways.' Connection. We want to be connected- at least, humans want to. There is a certain connection that bonds these people together. A connection that gives a new spark in their very lives, where our worlds are so dark and cold."

Mark Noxus looked at Carmen with a grin, happy to find that Carmen was interested in such a topic as well.

"I think these connections conduct the most beautiful music one could ever find. That's only my input on it, anyway."

Carmen sat and thought. The cowboys words were almost poetic. And they made sense. She was a little frustrated at herself for not seeing the merit in musical results through romance. However, she also didn't want to run back to the normal universe a hopeless romantic. She would merely continue her existence, accepting romance if it came. Maybe. Depending on who. I can't be seen with someone...unfashionable, she thought.

There it was. The real Carmen was back.

"Well, thank you very much for that insight. I may yet have to use it," she said vaguely. "Now...are there any further questions? I'd love to stay and chat, but I do have real life to attend to and I'd imagine the King of Evil needs to get right on his repair bills," she said, looking over at the Gerudo King with a smirk. "And I'd prefer not to be plugged into the Matrix," she said, looking at the Agent.

Mark laughed, though it was more of a soft, genuine one. He said with a wide smile,

"We were done quite a while ago. Actually, that wasn't really a part of the show, really."

The cowboy stood up, dusting some debris on his pants, before putting his hands in his pockets. He had a job to do, as well. A job where he would need to go back to a life of poverty. He was no rich man, but as long as he had a space ship, some friends, and a gun, he'd be more than happy to risk more of his life in getting some cash. After all, he needed to save his sister as soon as possible.

Three portals appeared at the sidelines: one for Carmen, one for Mark, and one for all of the Agents. Agent Smith walked into the left portal, seemingly satisfied with the video he recorded as all of the other Agents followed him out. Mark Noxus, on the other hand, walked into portal at the middle. He stopped midway, looking back at Carmen.

"If you really want to know more about humans," Mark said with a wide grin, "you should go ask one. They just might know more than me."

With his last words said, Mark returned to his world, where he would continue his journey. He would come back for the next episode with some excitement prepared for his audiences.

Carmen watched the Agents walk through their portals, and listened to the cowboy's words before he himself vanished to another world. This show had been oddly...enlightening for a show that typically involved stupid questions, killing audiences and N64 graphics. Mark seemed like a far more charismatic host than Ganondorf (I mean, obviously), and Carmen assumed that the usual crop of guests would be showing up on this new show. Whoever they were, the twisted crazy Ganon world was definitely changing.

She just hoped they'd eventually move somewhere else. Somewhere more...good. And less pixel-y. The usual stuff.

And with that, she walked through the portal.