Main article: Noxonshaw
Previous episode: S1E4: Ackbar Approves
Hosts: Mark Noxus, Ganondorf, Sanic
Featured Guest: Cain End'rana
Other Appearances: Billy Mays, Cain's Sister
Cain tumbled down what appeared to be a large, vertical tunnel decorated with... LED lights of a bunch of masks from Majora's Mask, screaming down in a particularly crude manner. Just a few seconds ago, he had been talking with some sunglasses-wearing jerk who said that his jacket was too red... despite the fact that the comic book-reading jerk's jacket was red as well. But perhaps, falling down made all of his anger vanish, for he now had to wonder on whether he should pray or not right before he died.
And thus, Cain saw the ground closing towards him.
...Fortunately for him, a Deku Flower lay snugly on the ground, as if it were waiting for him. Cain groaned, his eyes rolling around for a brief second before he recovered. Sitting up, the white-haired man took his time in having his eyesight recover.
In front of him was... some sort of... drawing of a blue... thing? No, no, it was not a drawing, but instead, a flat apparition of a demon that was responsible for shattering millions of ear drums. Cain shook his head as he looked around, unable to comprehend just what kind of situation he got himself into.
Surrounding him were... walls. Now that he took a closer look, he was sitting inside what appeared to be a hollow tree trunk...? No, it looked more like a cave. But it had grass in front of the Deku Flower, and considering how a flower was planted in such a weird place...
Cain turned to the blue thing, noticing that its poor quality face was right in front of his.
"BGHWEFEASGK#%@!@$!- WHAT THE F--K, MAN?!"
The heterochromic man backed off of the Deku Flower, feeling shallow water envelop his hands. He looked at the blue thing in fear, as it suddenly appeared to be standing on the flower itself. Cain blinked, only to find that the blue thing was now standing in front of him again.
The white-haired man felt his eyes twitch at the blue thing's... weird way of communicated. After attempting to translate the jumble of unknown letters the thing just spat out, Cain thought with regret,
If only I learned how to do C++, maybe I could understand what this motherf--ker's on abo-
"sanic nu mt7354u32er," sanic sed wid e frien um 15 4a32. "sanic e3 2006"
Cain squinted at the blue thing... until he recognized something about it. The blue quills. The stupid a-s stomach! It was him! It was... Sonic-But-Not-Really-Sonic!
"Oh man," Cain said, finally letting out a sigh as he clutched his head with one hand, "I was only able to recognize you after mentioning something related to that one terrible, terrible game... Sorry about that, Soni-"
Sanic gave Cain the creepiest frown mankind would ever be able to comprehend.
"Can I ask a question?"
"Oh, for GOD'S SAKE, CAN I-"
"NGGHRRAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE AM I?!"
"ure in sanic"
Cain's eyes widened. He was... inside Sonic? What the f--k? That sounded both creepy and nonsensical in so many ways. If he was inside Sonic, then where the heck was he? Was he in a fifth dimension where video games were actually alternate realities? Did Miller's Report actually make sense after all?
"Hold on just a minute," Cain said as he rubbed his brows, sweat trickling down his neck just by the fear of finding out about where he was. "If I'm inside so-... er, sanic, then where is sanic right now?"
"sanic is hear"
"But... you're Sanic! YOU'RE Sanic!"
"butt sanic es heer>"
Cain shook his head, attempting to get rid of the information sanic was trying to give to him out of the very core of his soul. He needed to get out... somehow. The most logical way out was to jump off of another cliff, but right now, he just happened to be in the flattest freaking area that he had ever seen in his entire life! And if this guy was "Sonic," then how the heck was he supposed to outrun him to find a cliff? He was screwed.
And then suddenly, the game froze.
Suddenly, the Deku Flower behind sanic blew up and turned into Billy Mays, who walked up to him with what appeared to be a chilidog.
"Hi, it's Billy Mays here! You can have this chilidog for 99999 rupees."
"Ninety nine-thousand nine-hundred and NINETY-NINE RUPEES?!?!?! AND HOW THE HECK DID THE ENTIRE WORLD FREEZE?!"
"You pressed the Start button."
Cain looked down behind him, only to find that his hand was on an N64 controller.
"Anyway," Billy Mays said as he threw the chilidog at Cain's face, "since I'm feeling generous, you get to have a 100% discount! See ya later (nerds)!~"
And thus, Billy Mays blew up again and turned into a Deku Flower. Though, for some reason, the shape of the petals seemed to form the shape of his face this time...
Cain shook his head, still frightened by just what the heck was going on. He just wanted to prove that his jacket looked identical to some otaku's jacket. And now he was receiving some sort of divine punishment that crossed the very line of logic and conception of reality itself.
With that in mind, Cain quickly got up and scampered off, leaving behind a frozen sanic.
...But by the time Cain left the area, sanic's eyes rolled 180 degrees horizontally, and he sed,
"ure @14395y ded"
Cain ran and ran-
And suddenly, he got kicked in the back by sanic.
"OW, WHAT THE F- HNGHHHHHHH...!"
The white-haired man nearly fell off of a... conveniently placed cliff.
"Oh, hey, this isn't that bad after all," Cain thought out loud as he prepared to let go and fall off of the cliff.
When suddenly, the bottom of the cliff lighted up, revealing five thousand clones of his little sister. And all of them screamed random crap he just could not understand such as "buy an onii-san"; he noticed that one of the phrases was taken directly from that one comic book the sunglasses-wearing otaku had been reading.
"Oh, God, no," Cain paled as he attempted to lift himself up, turning forward.
What he saw was a sanic flying straight into his face with a hyper-realistic, 1080p HD face as he simply spoke,
Cain fell into the sea of little sisters, his body being moved along to some unknown direction. As Cain screamed and screamed at the fact that his emo sister looked like some girl taken straight out of an anime, he turned and saw some huge red-haired dude following him on top of the sea of little sisters. He was making some sort of... french pose.
"What's up," Ganondorf said in the bluntest way possible. "Noxonshaw will begin in three, two, o- never mind, it started five minutes ago. Anyway, quick question: are you interested in women?"
Cain took a break from screaming, looking around him with an extremely disturbed look on his face, before screaming at Ganondorf,
"UH, PROBABLY, BUT WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU MENTION THAT IN FRONT OF FIVE THOUSAND CLONES OF MY LITTLE SISTER?"
Ganondorf took out a pair of sunglasses, placing them neatly over his face, before he muttered,
"Five Thousand Of Your Little Sisters Can't Be This Cute."
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- NO, STOP IT WITH THE TERRIBLE PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cain felt his voice break, causing him to cough violently while Ganondorf continued to scream with joy. It had been a long time since the End'rana had experienced pain... but did he really have to experience it in the most brutal way possible? Did fate really just pick him to serve as fodder for some pun-filled hellhole?
After falling through a waterfall of little sisters, Ganondorf asked loudly,
"Where the heck did you get that Red Mana stuff of yours?"
Cain continued to scream.
Ganondorf nodded as he put on another pair of shades over the shades he just wore, muttering,
"I guess that stuff gets him high all the time."
Cain continued to scream... silently. For his voicebox had been shattered due to the fact that the little sisters were moving 500 miles per hour, and the intense movements being too much for him in general. He just... wanted to get a phD. Somehow. He did not want his reason of dying to come from clones of his sister carrying him with insane speed, or a red-haired King of Evil making a French pose.
And then, he saw a cowboy known as Mark Noxus galloping across the sea of little sisters on a wonderful, glowing unicorn, a trail of cards, money, girls, and rainbows flying out of the horse's path. Mark lent out a hand to Cain as he roared,
"CAIN! GRAB MY HAND!"
"I-I don't know who the f--k you are, but okay..."
Cain's hand touched Mark's hand. But then... something incredible happened. The unicorn turned its head to Cain, only to fully reveal that the unicorn's head looked just like Megatron's.
"GIBE ME THE RED MANA, BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII11111111111111111111111111"
Mark even proceeded to reach for his face before tearing it off, revealing Apophis laughing maniacally as he screamed,
"THIGH_HIGHS FOR THE FREAKING WIN! AH, HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HA! HA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cain bolted up from a pile of boxes he had just slept on.
Cain looked around himself.
...And he quickly made sure to look out for any sanics around him.
He found none, thankfully.
"That... was a freaky nightmare," Cain muttered as he got off of the boxes, immediately thinking about going to classes to get his mind off of the horrible images he had seen just a few moments ago.
As he left, however, the lids of the boxes all opened and fell to the ground, revealing one- no, two- no, twenty-five sanics looking straight at Cain's back, all of them wearing the same expression.
And as they prepared to move, they all spoke a single word in unison.
Next episode: Special Episode I: Mirror Battle