Sarastrea Wiki

Main article: Noxonshaw

Previous episode: Special Episode II: Red VS Blue

Note: NSFW!

Location: Final Destination

Hosts: Mark Noxus, Ganondorf, Apophis, Agent Smith, Sanic, Dr. House, Shulk, Megatron

Featured Guests: Xander Zahir, Sharada Rai, Apophis

Other Appearances: Totem

Apophis snickered.

Suddenly, Ganondorf flew down from the skies and punched the Deity of Chaos across the face, sending the demon spinning violently towards the ground. Leaving a crater underneath where his face landed, the red-haired deity flung his head out of the concrete as he screamed, "WHAT WAS THAT F-"

Ganondorf punched his head into the ground. As Apophis flailed in place, the King of Evil took a deep breath as he proceeded to walk down what appeared to be a street.

A portal remained floating in the air. The Gerudo King entered it, wondering why he had to go through two portals this time around to get to the interview location.


Mark Noxus counted a wad of bills he stole from a pirate.

"...Three thousand dollars, four thousand, five thousand... This guy sure had a lot of balls to steal this much from a few poor families," Mark mused as he continued counting the bills. "It's a shame they're dead, though; I'll keep this for myself."

"Yo Mark," Apophis, who just entered the interview location after getting rekt by Ganondorf, said in a deadpone tone, "hook me up with 'dat shiet, dawg."

"I'm not your dog."

"Oh yeah! You're my puss-ay."

The Deity of Chaos suddenly spread his legs as he wiggled his eyebrows at lightning speed with the greatest rape face he had ever made.


As the red-haired demon proceeded to twitch sporadically as if some sort of exorcism was being pulled off on him, the bounty hunter nodded as he put away the bills casually. Perhaps he could use the money to buy an addon to his ship. Or maybe a new weapon.

Or a refrigerator. The last time he let Sanic in, the hegehog went too fast and crashed into his newest fridge, flattening it in the process.

Agent Smith continued to count sheep, Shulk was calculating how much he was feeling it for the day, Dr. House was stuffing ten pills down his throat, Ganondorf was practicing how to teabag in real life, and Apophis was twitching sporadically.



A few minutes later...


"Welcome to the Noxonshaw!" Ganondorf headbanged as he roared, "Are you ready for some MULTI-TASKING?! Cause I think we're ready for some multi-tasking!"

"Not really."

"Shut up, Smith. Anyway, without further ado, let's take a look at our surroundings!"

Ganondorf turned to-



They were literally on top of a platform in the middle of space. For some reason, Ganondorf felt as if he had been there before.

"It's Final Destination, Ganondorf," Shulk pointed out.

"No freaking wonder."

"Anyway, let's introduce our guests for today!" Mark announced as he pointed at an empty chair next to the hosts'. "Everyone! Please welcome the oddest of groups!

"Xander Zahir from the world of Chroma! Sharada from the region of Lavanya! And last but not least, Apophis from the region of Lavanya!"

At this, Shulk blinked and turned to where Apophis was sitting at. He then turned to the guest seats.

Popping into existence were Sharada, Xander, and Apophis.


Shulk turned to Apophis, and then he turned to Apophis as well. Both Apophises grinned and waved at each other.

The Monado-wielder's mind was blown.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiii!" Sharada Rai happily said, and the audience instantly set their attention on her. Xander crossed his arms and closed his eyes, hiding his extreme anxiety over the situation pretty well. The guest Apophis snapped his fingers at the speed of sound. Somewhere in the vast universe, sanic nodded at his commitment in becoming too fast.

"Hey Timmy," one of the Stalfos said in the audience. "You know what I'm thinking?"

"An inappropriate bone joke?"


Surfing through his interview cards, Mark Noxus took his time to let the guests greet themselves. A few seconds later, he quickly began the interview.

"Alright! So we have a princess of a desert kingdom, a warrior who seems like an epic vagabond, and a deity of chaos who shows no mercy to nearly everything- and probably everything! Let's get started.

"Miss Rai, though you have not been that active in the Lavanya region as of yet, may I ask what you have been doing during the midst of troublesome times?"

The purple-haired dancer beamed brightly, chirping a quick "Of course!" as she explained,

"I've been going around doing dances, and probably... dances. I've been dancing for a loooooong time. And I don't regret a single second of it!"

Mark smiled. It was rare to find a happy flower in the midst of a shit festival full of the most testosterone-filled hosts ever. "Is there anything aside from dancing that you do to relax?"

Sharada nodded, eager to answer his questions despite not knowing why exactly she was being interviewed. "I like tending to plants and playing with children. Many of them seem to like me, so that's nice!"

The Apophis at the hosts' side whispered to Dr. House, "It's probably those 'pom poms' of hers."

Dr. House whispered back, "Stop being a horny little shit."

Agent Smith flipped one of his cards as he stated in his signature monotone style, "Sharada Rai; it is said that you wish to find a marriage partner, but you have never actually gotten together with one. Why is this the case?"

The dancer put up a thoughtful look. After thinking through the question a bit, she said in the brightest way possible,

"I don't know!"

Agent Smith sighed.

Ganondorf remained silent, much to the surprise of the audience. In his stead, Shulk decided to ask the dancer, "Is it true that your mother looks exactly like you? When I say exactly, I legitimately mean exactly!"

"Yup!" Sharada said, shocking the audience in an instant. "In fact, I have a picture of my family with me. Do you want to see it?"

Nodding at her offer, Shulk let the dancer take out a picture from one of her pockets. As she handed it to him, the Monado-wielder's eyes trailed over to the mother. Yes, she looked like Sharada with a more developed b-

"GUAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" Shulk screamed as blood shot out of his nose. Falling off his chair, the blond Monado-wielder crashed against the ground and twitched erratically, letting Sharada's family picture float above him. As the host Apophis snatched it from the air, the deity of chaos took a look at it.

And he blushed.

Did Apophis, the Deity of Chaos who has fucked the course of worlds for centuries, just blush? Ganondorf thought, amazed at the deity's reaction. Whatever Sharada's mother looked like, it was not safe for work. The Deity of Chaos silently gave the picture back to Sharada, who chirped a quick "Thank you!" as she took the photo back.

And as Apophis sat next to Dr. House again, he whispered,

"If I don't tap that shit in the next few years, I'm going to be extremely angry."

Dr. House leaned over and whispered to him, "Get ready to be mad as shit."

Deeming that Sharada had enough questions sent to her at the moment, Mark asked Xander, "Mr. Zahir, it is written here that you find small things adorable. Is that true?"

Though he did not flinch, Mark Noxus could tell that Xander found the question to be uncomfortable. Remaining still, the swordsman muttered, "I only find them less annoying to be with."

"...It says that you love hamsters."

"I find them less annoying to be with than people."

"...It also says that you like playing with the children."

"Speculate all you want."

Mark whistled as he surfed through his cards again. Dr. House, for the first time in many moments, finally asked a question, this particular one directed to Xander.

"Don't you hate it when people walk up to you just to look brave?"

Xander smirked.

"I find it pleasantly pathetic."

Dr. House whistled. Apophis proceeded to ask Xander, "Do you want some puss-puss?"


The Deity of Chaos' excited expression turned into that of annoyance as he bluntly translated his question. "Do you like a particular person in a special way?"

Xander shook his head instantly.

"...Are you interested in that stuff in the first place?" Apophis tried again.

"Not interested."

Apophis, Dr. House, and Mark Noxus all whistled simultaneously. Hot damn, that's edgy, they all thought. This guy is the real deal.

Unbeknownst to them, Xander really wasn't the real deal.

Taking his interest off of Xander, Apophis turned to Apophis as a sly smile entered his once impressed expression. "And who might this handsome devil be?" Apophis asked as his smile continued to widen. "I think this man's got the real face of romance right here."

The guest Apophis laughed insanely.

"See? He's even got the laugh of love!"

"I think he's having problems."

"Shut up, Doctor."

Pointing at himself in a carefree manner, the guest Apophis stated,

"I am Apophis. Deity of Chaos. Controller of Death is my name, killing everything is my game. I love stealing wives, and I love teaching kids how to sleep. Call me Lupin."

The host Apophis snickered. The guest Apophis snickered. And then they giggled.

"Holy shit," Ganondorf said as they laughed, "I want to punch both of them in the face."

At this, Mark Noxus got an idea.

"Then how about this?"

Everyone turned to the bounty hunter. With a thoughtful expression, Mark explained,

"I'll set a timer to two minutes. We'll have a battle to the death during those minutes, and we'll determine who the winners are by the last people standing. If there's one or two winners, then they will receive a prize. How's that?"

The hosts blinked.

All of a sudden, an extreme tension formed between them.

Agent Smith remained still, though it was clear that he was glancing at the hosts next to him. Both Apophises made poker faces. Ganondorf slowly grinned as he clenched a fist. Shulk, despite having been knocked down for a while, slowly reached for his Monado. Though he did not know what was going on, to quickly protect himself from possible danger, Xander reached for his broadsword. Mark Noxus simply smirked, his eyes calculatingly analyzing everyone around him.

Sharada continued to bounce up and down on her seat with a smile, unaware of the fact that everyone seemed intent with the idea of kick each others' asses.

And, as everyone expected, the Apophises attacked first. One of them lunged at Ganondorf, the other attempting to stab Mark Noxus with arm blades. Hell quickly broke loose as the audience roared in delight at the sudden sign of meaningless violence.

Xander took out his blade and quickly blocked an attack sent out by Shulk, who gave him a friendly, but determined grin. As he locked blades with the blond swordsman, Xander began to scream internally over and over again as he swung his blade repeatedly to repel the blond's Monado. Meanwhile, Dr. House got up, but he actually did not leave for once.

Instead, he took out a double-barreled shotgun. Aiming it at the host Apophis, he launched two giant pills at the Deity of Chaos. The blunt force of the pills knocked the deity down to the ground, though he was quick to recover from the attack. Ganondorf grinned as he sent a fist down at where Apophis was knocked to. Seeing the attack from a mile away, Apophis laughed as his body faded, evading the attack at an extreme speed as he appeared in front of Dr. House.

"Let's see you treat this, doctor," the Deity sneered.

Dr. House raised an eyebrow as he put away his shotgun. Taking out his cane instead, House pointed it at Apophis' throat.

"Hold up," he said. "This medication might blow your mind."

Without warning, Dr. House fired a missile from the tip of his cane. Apophis dashed towards the doctor as he leapt into the air, barely twisting his way over the missile before he landed. A girly scream that belonged to Ganondorf erupted as the missile collided against him. The doctor used his cane as a weapon as he engaged combat with the deity of chaos.

Mark Noxus dodged, dodged, and dodged as the guest Apophis swung out a seemingly endless swarm of attacks. And during one of the red-haired demon's stronger attacks, the bounty hunter deflected the blow before returning to his game of parrying attacks. Both he and Apophis knew how their game worked; they would keep going until one of them got incredibly impatient and attempted to make a huge risk to end the battle.

Sharada blinked as she watched the hosts and guests suddenly fighting each other. Once in a while, she clapped whenever someone managed to land some big damage on someone else.

But of course, not all of the hosts were present. And in a competition like this, it was inevitable that every host had to show up.

As the dancer watched the battle, she noticed something sitting on her shoulder. She turned to it, only to find a small totem spinning on her shoulder.


Sharada observed the tiny Totem, which continued to spin without faltering a single bit.

Right before Xander and Shulk clashed blades once more, a blue blur sped between them way too quickly as it zipped around the platform. It ran and ran and ran until it started running at 8 lightspeeds per second, breaking the limit of 1000 fasts per second too easily. Stopping in the middle of the platform, sanic shouted, "o si jts tum 2 pqruj 4 de przie mi c, u? cum on step it up!"

Spinning without turning into a ball, sanic flew towards Ganondorf, who barely managed to take out a sword as he entered a power struggle with the blue blur. "Why is it always ME fighting this shitty thing?!" Ganondorf screamed.

"um nut shut; im le beast arund the nut."


At this, sanic found genuine offense. He was sanic, not some plebian who did not know what he was doing. His strength increasing, sanic leaned towards Ganondorf at a dangerous distance.

And much to the King of Evil's horror, the abomination whispered in coherent English,

"You're going to fucking die."


As the Gerudo King was left to battle one of the strongest things to ever exist, a large white hole spawned in the middle of space as a large spaceship flew towards the platform. Decepticons aboard the ship pointed at the platform as a large figure ran past them. With a mighty jump, the leader of the Decepticons leapt on the large platform, his eyes glowing deathly red.

"Who said that they can have a battle to the death without ME in it?!" Megatron seethed. "YOU'RE ALL DEAD TO ME!"

Without another word, the Decepticon leader activated one of his arm blades as he fired a swarm of rockets at the ground. Agent Smith, who had been tossed around by sanic and Ganondorf, ran up to the huge robot as he leapt into the air, flying towards the metallic tyrant like a human arrow. Spinning at an extreme speed, Agent Smith collided against Megatron, who barely used his blade to clash against the Agent's hands.


"Ha ha ha!" Agent Smith yelled in the usual cheesy Agent Smith voice. "You underestimate my power!"

Pushing the Agent off of his blade, Megatron swung horizontally, only to find the Agent leap and catch the blade, holding onto it as he boarded the weapon as if it were a platform. Running up to the colossal tyrant, Agent Smith delivered a flying kick across Megatron's face, causing the metal beast to roar as he clutched his face.

Sharada poked at the tiny Totem. It faltered for a second but it continued to spin.

"You know what?!" The host Apophis roared as he skidded across the ground from an eager sanic. "If this battle's not jumping into a conclusion any sooner, I'll make one!"

Lifting his hands in the air, Apophis began charging a ball of light and darkness as he grit his teeth. Ganondorf, too, lifted his hands in the air as he gathered dark energy. "Time to settle this once and for all!" The King of Evil roared.

Two orbs of raw energy. A tyrant who prepared to launch a storm of missiles at the center of the platform. Two swordsmen who clashed blades in a power struggle to the point where blue light emanated from their grinding weapons. Two rivals who continued to trade blows with blades and firearms, and a doctor who loaded yet another rocket to his cane.

When everyone simultaneously fired and attacked each other once more, the entire platform blew up.


The audience lay still on the ground, all of them unconscious. Shulk and Xander lay face flat near each other. The host Apophis and Mark Noxus lay still with awkwardly bent limbs. The guest Apophis and Dr. House had their weapons resting on their bodies. Megatron lay defeated, with Agent Smith and sanic having their backs pressed against each other. Ganondorf lay face flat by himself, his blade knocked away to the far side of the platform.

Sharada blinked.

Somehow, she had not been damaged at all. And it might have been due to the tiny Totem spinning on her shoulder.

"Hey, good job!" She chirped at the Totem. The Totem wordlessly spun. "You're a nice guy," she said, and it continued to spin.

Then it fell off and stopped spinning.

The purple-haired dancer picked up the tiny Totem as she finally got up from her seat. "I hope you don't mind me taking you with me!" Sharada said with a small smile, her eyes set on the small object.

Mark Noxus twitched.

He wondered what just happened.

And how they went from an interview to the mess they were at the moment.